


I Could Never Give You Peace

by MarshmallowMcGonagall



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Canon deaths, F/M, Heavy Angst, Inspired by Ian McEwan's Atonement, POV First Person, POV Third Person, Unreliable Narrator, this doesn't end happily
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-10
Updated: 2020-08-10
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:07:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25823383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MarshmallowMcGonagall/pseuds/MarshmallowMcGonagall
Summary: The story.The truth.
Relationships: Severus Snape/Nymphadora Tonks
Comments: 14
Kudos: 20





	I Could Never Give You Peace

**Author's Note:**

> This isn’t a faithful retelling of _Atonement_ by Ian McEwan but this fic owes everything to that story. Given Snape and Tonks are my OTP, writing this fic felt terrible. But I was reminded of _Atonement_ some nights ago and realised how well the basic story elements could fit with a canon compliant (to what extent that was possible) exploration of Snape and Tonks being together. I have no intention to write anything quite like this again but it was one of those stories which demanded to be written. After this, I will be returning to my fics which for all the angst they have, don’t end quite like this, because writing this _hurt_.
> 
> [Wikipedia: _Atonement_ by Ian McEwan](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Atonement_\(novel\))

_I like to think that it isn't weakness or evasion, but a final act of kindness, a stand against oblivion and despair, to let my lovers live and to unite them at the end._  
— _Atonement_ by Ian McEwan

**1996 - Christmas**

Draco has followed Severus and Tonks from Slughorn’s Christmas party. He wonders why they’ve left together. He tries different classroom doors. They don’t know how good he has become at unravelling wards. He’s curious, and when Severus spends so much time lecturing him on the importance of maintaining his cover as a spy, Draco is intent on finding out how his cousin has become a part of this. He knows Tonks is in the Order of the Phoenix but why would they talk to each other outside of Order meetings? Draco is particularly riled up because Severus keeps criticising his attempts to fulfil his mission for the Dark Lord.

When Draco finds the classroom which is warded, he hesitates. He wants to trust Severus. He wants to keep his parents safe. He wants the Dark Lord not to kill him. 

His charmwork is silent. He opens the door and realises immediately he’s interrupted something. Severus and Tonks look as if they were dancing. She’s in his embrace and calls out Draco’s name in shock. Severus keeps his back to Draco. Tonks wriggles and Draco realises she’s adjusting her dress. He isn’t sure why, they couldn’t have been doing more than a slow waltz the way they were moving.

Eventually Severus turns around and Tonks stands beside him. She protests that they can’t Obliviate Draco. Severus looks as though he isn’t quite as sure. She makes him promise. He agrees and tells her to go. Tells her everything will be fine. She hurries from the room, her green silk dress swings around her like liquid emeralds. 

Severus tells Draco that he is prepared to do anything to keep his cover. He emphasises the, “anything”. Draco nods but he’s still unsure. He looks at the empty doorway then back at Severus. Severus makes him promise not to tell anyone. Makes him promise not to utter a word to Bellatrix. Draco asks why, if he’s just spending time with Tonks to keep cover. Severus tries several times to speak. Draco knows that Bellatrix doesn’t trust Severus. He thinks Severus knows this. He watches Severus’s gaze drift to the empty doorway. Severus makes him promise again not to tell anyone. Draco nods, says yes, still wonders why. He is realising war is not so simple as us and them.

**[LETTER BEGINS]**

I know you’re going to be angry that I helped Harry escape but did you really expect me not to go? We only found out about the baby last week and there was Harry, still a child, about to try and escape you and the other Death Eaters. I had to, Severus. I had to.

**[LETTER ENDS]**

**[LETTER FRAGMENT BEGINS]**

You were meant—

Are you sa—

The ba—

I—

**[LETTER FRAGMENT ENDS]**

**1997 - Christmas**

Tonks is heavily pregnant and crying. She apologises to Severus. He tells her to be quiet. They have a little time while he is on one of his excursions from Hogwarts. The Dark Lord doesn’t know how often Severus escapes to spend an hour with Tonks. No hour is enough. He waltzes her slowly across the snow covered ground as best he can with her bump between them. Another goodbye, another kiss, and she watches him Disapparate.

**[LETTER BEGINS]**

Severus, how I wish you could see Teddy today. I want to write everything but I talk too fast for the Dictating Quill and my hands are constantly full with your son. He nurses day and night, and every hour in between. Today! Severus, how could I forget why I was writing: Teddy smiled. Everything is still awful and I miss you dreadfully, but he smiled and I wanted nothing more than to tell you.

**[LETTER ENDS]**

**[LETTER FRAGMENT BEGINS]**

Your smile I—

When I see—

Give him m—

**[LETTER FRAGMENT ENDS]**

**1998 - Christmas**

Tonks holds Teddy on her hip as Severus tries to waltz her around the parlour. Teddy’s laughter fills the room. Severus brings them to a halt and kisses Tonks, no longer having to steal moments. Teddy babbles happily and his parents begin to waltz again.

I lied.

I owled Aunt Bellatrix the night of Slughorn’s Christmas party. She said I could tell her anything. She said I could trust her. She congratulated me on coming to her.

I thought I was doing the right thing. Mother and father survived. I thought the Dark Lord was going to kill them, I know he could have. He could have killed me, too. I didn’t want to die.

Severus and Tonks didn’t see each other after the night he killed Dumbledore. Not until the Battle of Hogwarts. I don’t know if they saw each other when Potter tried to escape his family home. I know they were both there. 

Aunt Andromeda told me Tonks and Severus didn’t trust owls. She let me read the letters Tonks had written. She found them a few weeks after the battle. Tonks never sent them. The fragments of letters Severus wrote were found in the headmaster’s quarters. They were all but destroyed in the fires which followed the Battle of Hogwarts.

I lied again.

I don’t know if Severus ever wrote letters. 

Aunt Andromeda told me Tonks and Severus did send their Patronuses to each other. Apparently there was a special charm which allowed the Patronuses to find the person they were intended for only if they were alone. They used their Patronuses to send verbal messages, but I don’t know if Aunt Andromeda told me that to make me feel better. I never knew a Patronus could do that.

I know Severus and Tonks spoke to each other at the Battle of Hogwarts.

They died together.

I witnessed everything.

When Aunt Andromeda asks if it happened quickly, I say yes. I don’t think she believes me.

Father knows. He pretends he doesn’t. He begged me once to Obliviate him. 

I know there are things Aunt Andromeda hasn’t told me.

Teddy’s last name is Snape. I thought children could only take their father’s name if their parents were married. I asked Aunt Andromeda about Teddy being illegitimate. She’s like mother, and I know not to ask again.

They’re buried together, Severus and Tonks. It’s still too soon for a stone to be put up. They’re beside Uncle Ted. Mother’s cousin Sirius and his husband Remus are nearby, too.

I wish Severus had Obliviated me.

**1996 - Christmas**

They didn’t hear the approaching footsteps, too lost in each other to care about a world beyond the classroom door. Snape had warded the door as Tonks led him further into the room. What had been a slow waltz changed when their lips met. The intoxicating knowledge they were alone paused their steps and as if an enchantment had been cast upon them, she was moments later against the wall, her legs around him. They didn’t waste time and he came moments after she did. Her laughter filling the air as she realised what they had done, his smiling lips stealing another kiss.

His formal robes and her swathes of green silk afforded them modesty but no privacy.

He told her to leave and that he would deal with Draco.

Snape found Tonks in an alcove of Slughorn’s offices. He reassured her that Draco was neither Obliviated nor inclined to tell anyone of what he had seen. She believed the former but disliked the sense of uncertainty about the latter.

Tonks pushed the thoughts aside and told Snape she really did want to wear a ring one day. She reached out, her fingers brushing the buttons of his robes. He caught her fingers for the briefest moment. Told her to be content with the vows. Then they heard their names called and they stepped back into the fray.

**[LETTER BEGINS]**

I write this knowing I will destroy it. I don’t seek your apology but to send you my love. I will send my Patronus instead as I know you will send yours. What I would give to see your lips move when I hear your voice. After all this, will you still want a ring, I wonder. My time is up, the war doesn’t cease. I love you, always.

**[LETTER ENDS]**


End file.
